Dad leaving his son off for game, “Just have fun and play hard.”
Dad picking up son after game,“Did you win? How many points did you score?”
What do parents hope their son/daughter gets from sports participation?
The most common answers…
1- Develop a strong work ethic and sense of discipline.
2- Learn to be a good teammate, and learn to work with a team.
3- Learn to handle winning and losing, and success and failure.
What do athletes say their parents talk to them about after games? The athletes say their parents talk about:
1- Errors the player made during the game.
2- Errors the coach made in strategy or playing time.
3- Errors the referees made that affected the game.
What do coaches say parents talk to them about?
1- Their athletes playing time.
2- Other athletes playing time.
3- The coach’s strategy.
Sometimes parents in the heat of competition can lose focus on what is valuable about sports for their son/daughter. If done correctly, sports can be a great way to build valuable life skills.
I have witnessed parents who greatly enhanced the athletic experience of not only their son/daughter but also the entire team. I also have witnessed parents who did things that detracted from both their son/daughter’s experience but negatively impacted the entire team.
In the spirit of trying to make the athletic experience a positive experience for the athletes- here are some thoughts parents may find helpful…
“I know the sport, my coaching tips during games will help my kid.”
Have you ever ordered a product that you had to assemble when it arrived? What is it like if you are reading the directions and family members are also giving you directions. I know there have been times when I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.
Imagine an 8 year old or a 16 year old hearing 3-4 voices screaming instructions to them during a game.
Desired Life Skill: Self-Confidence- When a parent is screaming advice to players, the parent is sending the following messages:
1- Your performance is not what it should be.
2- You need me, you cannot succeed without me.
We want to use sports to help build self-confidence, not uncertainty and dependence.
“I want to support my kid, I sit right down next to the court for games.”
This might give a good view, but usually parents are doing this for one of two reasons:
1- It will be a lot easier to coach if I am right on the sideline.
2- I want people to know that is my kid out there.
Desired Life Skill: Independence- When parents are down next to the floor being visible, it often sends a messages to the athlete:
1- I don’t trust you, you need me.
2- You need me, I know more than the coach.
When parents choose to move up the bleachers and become less visible, it allows the athlete to be center stage. The athlete can take pride and feel, “This is MY STAGE, THIS IS ABOUT ME.”
This allows athletes to get in the “zone” where they are just focused on the game and their teammates.
“There are just three things I need to tell my son that he did wrong in the game.”
The athlete gets in the car and the parent says,”You had a good game and I am really proud of you, BUT….” Then the parent starts explaining the concepts of helpside defense, hitting a curve ball, or blocking on a sweep.
Does an athlete want to practice all week, compete in the game, listen to the coach’s post-game analysis, and then have to ride home listening to their dad analyze the game?
Desired Life Skill: Self-worth, Pride- Parents say the most valuable things in sports are developing work ethic, discipline, team work, and handling outcome. If that is true- those are the things that parents should be talking about after a game.
These are the things that should be talked about with an athlete after games.
“No matter the score, I was so proud how hard you played. That never give up attitude will be valuable in life.”
“When things weren’t going well, it was really impressive how you supported your team. I am proud of the leadership you showed.”
After games it might be best to just be quiet and let your athlete doing the talking. As a parent don’t focus on the skills or strategy, focus on the important life skills your athlete is developing- team work, leadership, confidence, work ethic.
“Those refs are cheating us, I am not going to put up with it.”
In my coaching career, there were times after a tough loss that I thought, “Those refs weren’t fair, they took the game away from us.” There were times I even thought that I needed to go nuts and get a technical.
The next day after I had time to cool off and watch film, I realized I was wrong. We lost because of a strategy that I chose or a lack of execution of our players- not because of the refs. In over 1,500 games that I coached, there MAY have been 3-4 games where after time I felt the refs had been out to get us. Do the math, that would have been less than .002% of games.
When parents yell at refs during the game, it reduces the chances their athlete’s team will win the game. Yelling at refs is not going to impact the refs, but it will always impact your son/daughter. The athlete loses focus and becomes less concerned about their individual performance, and instead becomes focused on the ref. You are providing a real distraction.
Desired Life Skill: Learning to Handle Adversity, Being Accountable- Things in life are not always going to go the way that you want them to go. Life is not always going to be fair. Athletes need to learn to handle tough situations and even learn to handle unfair treatment. This will happen in life.
When a parent either blames refs, blames the coach, or blames their athlete’s teammates- the parent is encouraging their athlete not to accept responsibility for outcomes. An important thing in sports and in life is to accept responsibility and to then work to change or improve. If an athlete learns to blame others- they never see the need to work and improve.
“The coach does not know what they are doing. I am going to talk to the coach about my son’s playing time.”
In over 50 years of playing sports and coaching sports, I have yet to hear a story of a parent meeting with the coach, complaining to a coach about playing time, and the coach saying, “I hadn’t thought of it that way, you are right, your kid should play more.”
As a parent if you are mad and feel the need to go to a coach about playing time, realize the following:
1- Accept you are going to the meeting to vent, and you will not change the situation.
2- Other players on the team probably will find out about this meeting. There is a good chance your meeting will negatively impact the other players’ attitude toward your athlete, and it will negatively impact other parents’ attitude toward you.
3- Once you meet with a coach about playing time, the coach CANNOT increase your child’s playing time. Even if the coach thought about playing your child more, now if they were to do this, all the other players and parents would line up at the coach’s door to talk about playing time.
Desired Life Skill: Becoming a Good Team Player- As frustrating as a lack of playing time can be, it also can be part of the learning process. For any team and for any business to be successful, people need to fill different roles- not everyone gets to be the company President.
Handling roles on a team can help them learn to become a good teammate and a valuable teammate. Often when a parent complains about playing time, a message to the individual player is- what you are doing is not important to the team.
A healthy approach would be for the player to talk to the coach. It is especially productive for the player to calmly express their frustrations and then to LISTEN to the coach. The coach may let the player know changes in approach that would be productive.
“Don’t take it hard, it’s only a game and it wasn’t your fault.”
While a parent may want to cheer up their athlete after a loss, learning to handle tough things is a valuable lesson. None of us want to see our children in pain, but pain can produce growth.
If your son/daughter is playing a sport, they are working hard, building a bond with their teammates, and investing a lot of time. So the game should be important to your athlete and it should hurt.
Desired Life Skill: Caring About Others, Handling Adversity- One of the most valuable life skills from sports is to learn to deal with adversity, whether it dealing with a limited role on the team or painful losses.
As parents, while we hate to see our son/daughter unhappy or crying, they are going to encounter adversity throughout their lives. Learning to handle adversity in sports may prepare the athlete for adversity in college or a job.
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